i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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