just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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