last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
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Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
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I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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