kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
