matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
