i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
