just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
