He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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