I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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