tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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