Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
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I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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