you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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