woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
