I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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