I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
