maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
