rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
