I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
