May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
