the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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