I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
