He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
