He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
