Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
