i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There r osticjed everywhere
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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