I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
