I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
