What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
