We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
