Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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