i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
