You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
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I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
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After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize