he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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