Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
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I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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