she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
