She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
