Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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