Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
