I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
