I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
