Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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