I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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