He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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