I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
