Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
