I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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