Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
