i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Did you pee in the oven last night??
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
