I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
