I puked a lego.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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