booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
you win again, gameday.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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