I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
