I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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