i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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