I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
