Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
