i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
